SHUNNED - Coping When Family and Friends Cut Ties After Leaving the Faith

By Braiden Hartwell

When you leave the Jehovah's Witnesses, the emotional aftermath can be devastating. Unlike other life transitions, leaving this faith often triggers an immediate and complete severance of relationships with family members and friends who remain in the organization. This practice of shunning — officially termed "disfellowshipping" — creates a unique form of grief that combines multiple losses at once: the loss of your religious community, your support system, your identity, and often your entire family network.

The Unique Pain of Religious Shunning

Being shunned by Jehovah's Witness family and friends is different from other types of loss for several key reasons:

• It's deliberate: Unlike death or natural separation, shunning is an active choice made by people who still exist in your world but choose to treat you as though you don't exist.
• It feels like rejection of your core self: When people who once loved you turn away because you've changed your beliefs, it can feel like a profound rejection of who you are as a person.
• It's ongoing: Unlike other losses that may gradually heal with time, shunning creates an open wound that continues as long as the separation persists.
• It's comprehensive: Often, you don't lose just one relationship but an entire social network simultaneously.
• It carries stigma: Beyond the loss itself, you may face judgment from remaining members who view your departure as a spiritual failure or betrayal.

The Real Impact of Being Shunned

The effects of being shunned extend far beyond simple sadness:

• Profound isolation: Many former members report feeling completely alone in the world, having lost their entire support network overnight.
• Identity crisis: When you've built your identity around a religious community and family connections, their sudden absence can leave you questioning who you really are.
• Complicated grief: You're mourning people who are still alive but choose not to be in your life, creating a complex form of "ambiguous loss."
• Trauma responses: Many experience symptoms similar to PTSD, including flashbacks, anxiety, depression, and hypervigilance.
• Financial and practical hardships: Some find themselves without housing, financial support, or practical help during a period of intense emotional vulnerability.

How to Cope When You've Been Shunned

Honor Your Grief Without Timeline Pressure

The grief of losing your entire religious and family community is profound and deserves respect. There is no "normal" timeline for healing from this type of loss. Some days will feel impossibly hard, while others might bring unexpected moments of peace. Allow yourself to experience all of these feelings without judgment.

Your grief may come in waves or cycles rather than progressing linearly. This is normal with complicated losses. You might feel you're making progress, then be blindsided by grief during holidays, birthdays, or when reminded of family gatherings happening without you.

Avoid Harmful Comparisons

It's tempting to compare your healing journey to others who have left the organization, but everyone's experience is unique. Some factors that influence your experience include:

• How many family members remain in the organization
• Whether you have any support outside the faith
• Your age when leaving
• Whether you left voluntarily or were disfellowshipped
• Your financial and emotional resources

Comparing yourself to others who seem to be "doing better" after leaving only adds unnecessary guilt to an already painful situation. Your process is valid, no matter how long it takes.

Validate Your Loss

What you're experiencing is a profound and legitimate loss. Former members often downplay their grief, thinking, "At least no one died," but the psychological research is clear: being shunned by family and community can be as painful as physical injury.

Your loss matters. The relationships you've lost matter. The community you've lost matters. The traditions and certainties you've lost matter. Don't let anyone—including yourself—minimize what you're going through.

Connect With Others Who Understand

One of the most healing steps you can take is to find others who truly understand this specific type of loss:

• Ex-JW support groups: Both online and in-person groups exist specifically for those who have left the organization.
• Specialized therapists: Some therapists specialize in religious trauma and understanding high-control groups.
• Build new connections: While they can't replace what you've lost, new friends who accept you unconditionally can help rebuild your sense of belonging.

When you share your experience with those who truly understand, you gain validation that your feelings are normal and that recovery is possible, even when it seems distant.

Process Both Past and Future

Healing requires both looking backward and forward:

• Journal about your experience: Write honestly about your feelings of loss, anger, confusion, and grief. Document specific memories or interactions that were particularly painful.
• Recognize what was unhealthy: While honoring your grief, also acknowledge aspects of the community that may have been controlling or harmful.
• Envision new possibilities: What values and beliefs do you want to carry forward? What kind of relationships do you want to build? What parts of yourself can now flourish that were previously suppressed?
• Set small goals: Recovery happens in small steps. Consider goals like "attend one social event this month" or "read one book about building a new life after high-control religion."

Create New Traditions and Connections

One of the most painful aspects of being shunned is missing family traditions and holidays. Creating new traditions can help:

• Find meaningful ways to celebrate holidays with chosen family
• Establish new rituals that reflect your authentic values
• Connect with inclusive communities that welcome you as you are

Remember that building new connections takes time and vulnerability, but many former members eventually create support networks that are more authentic and accepting than what they lost.

A Path Forward

The journey after being shunned is not easy. There will be days when the grief feels overwhelming, when you question whether leaving was worth the cost, when the silence from those you love feels unbearable.

But many former members also discover unexpected strengths, authentic relationships, and a new sense of self that emerges from this difficult transition. Your feelings are valid, your experience matters, and healing is possible—even when the path forward feels unclear.

You deserve support. You deserve connection. And most importantly, you deserve to live authentically, even when that choice comes with painful consequences.

Remember: You are not alone in this experience, even when it feels like you are. Thousands of others have walked this path and found healing. With time, support, and compassion for yourself, you can too.

To learn more about my journey and who I am after leaving the Jehovah's Witnesses please visit my website @BraidenHartwell.com